Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
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That 👊
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns