Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”