Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
You Might Also Like
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
How to wake up a Beagle
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.