*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
How about daylight saves us for once
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.