Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
CRYING
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Spell check is for lasers.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them