{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”