Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
A dad and his duck
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”