Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
When your parents check you’re ok.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
live, laugh, laundry.