me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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Velcrow
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.