me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
crying
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Donating blood today to make room for more food