[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Am I having a stroke?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.