Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…