I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
the three genders
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Oops
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts