My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
#Caturday
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites