it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”