I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.