My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.