CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.