Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.