mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
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Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Never ghost your hitman.