[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.