Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting