Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.