Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.