Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Not today.. 😂
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.