joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.