I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
You Might Also Like
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Cndnsd Mlk
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Ion see the issue
True freaking story!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Mission: Impossible
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up