My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
congratulations to them
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I wish I could veto my bills.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew