My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*