[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!