Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me, too, girl. me, too.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When he asks for feet pics
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Bill is short for Billiam
My boss called in sick of me
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :