Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me sliding into hell like
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me