I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
One of the best
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
If you know, you know
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Best table by far
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place