What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”