[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires