Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
same energy
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke