If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.