We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.