ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down