Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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