*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Word!