Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!