“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody