WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my fav colour is also hitler
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.