The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Meow
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that