Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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an octopus is just a wet spider
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’