[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.