[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”