[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
early stone age tool
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine