Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer